a day i will never forget

Okay, it’s time for me to be honest, like really honest. I have been struggling. I’ve mentioned that a little before. I’m a college student on a medium size campus. So it’s good for walking and running. But running can have its drawbacks, especially on a mostly empty stomach – it wasn’t that I didn’t have food available; I just chose not to eat it. I do this thing where some days I switch into stress eating (so overeating) sometimes and barely eating anything other times; other days I am fine and eat normally.

A while ago, I did just that. I ran. On an almost empty stomach. So my stomach is churning and I haven’t eaten and I’m sprinting. Bad choice. But not my worst decision that day. I ran for a while, maybe 10-15 minutes. I took a few breaks in that time period, even telling someone where I was… but I didn’t tell her how bad things were. She was going through some stuff, but I have a pretty large support group. There are several people I couldn’t asked for help. But I didn’t. Another bad decision. Anyways, after running, I walked around for a little bit and then sat on this retaining wall that’s like 3 feet high. I sat and stood up, paced and sat down, and repeated this once or twice. I spent this time praying, internally screaming at God, thinking, crying, pleading for God to do something or give me strength or send someone to help me. I was too afraid to ask for help. After at least 15 minutes of this, I decided I was going to walk to a place less than a quarter mile away. Once I got to that designated location, I would choose my fate. I would choose to keep fighting, plan a date to um end everything, or end it all that night. I told God that if He didn’t come through, I was giving up my fight either that night or on a later date.

A friend was walking and saw me and invited me to her dorm and I’m still alive, obviously. I found out later that she wasn’t even planning on coming back at that time but she somehow did. Neither of us really understand what happened. But what I do know is that less than a minute after crying out to God, a friend found me. I don’t know for sure what I would’ve done that night, but I probably would’ve picked a date or that very night.

God came through. God heard my cry. As bad as that night was, I think that night was the night I decided I wanted to get better. But I was scared that God wasn’t big enough to give me the strength to keep fighting. And so I cried out to God. And He heard me. He heard me because He is there. He is always there. And He is big enough to give me the strength to fight.

That night, I wanted to give up the pain and the brokenness. But I also would be giving up the joy and love and shelter and peace and everything beautiful I had found in God. I wanted to give up the good things that had happened, are happening, and will happen. So I will keep fighting, because I made a promise that I would continue my fight if He came through that day. I will keep fighting for those I would leave behind, for the beautiful memories yet to come, and for the God who created me with a beautiful purpose that I might understand better some day.

i’ve lost control but i’m free

I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind
Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to
Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that’s where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

In Over My Head – Bethel

It is a beautiful thing to be in over your head in God. I am sinking, I guess. I am daily surprised by His love and His greatness. Our God is so big. He can do anything. He can do the impossible. In reflection on this year, a lot has happened. I started hurting myself. I had hallucinations; my hallucination died. I started having nightmares and terrifying daydreams so realistic I’d wonder afterwards if they were real. I’ve had to question whether or not to switch churches. God showed up in my darkest places through the Bible, friends, my Bible study group, music, and just in the most random times and ways.

I wanted to control my life. And for a while I thought I could. But I can’t. And I was a fool for thinking I could. I needed to let go. And that’s hard. With anxiety, that is hard. It is so easy to think that control is the best and only good approach. But it isn’t. Trusting God is. And so I am so slowly losing my control. And that’s ok. That’s good. It is good because even though I am not in control, I know that the one who is in control is always good and never makes mistakes. And yes, there are still days when I want to take over. But I’ve been learning to let it all go. I’ve been learning to let His will be done. Because it is only through doing His will that I find true joy and peace and the hope I need to fight for tomorrow.

Wherever you are, even if reflecting on this year is painful for you, know that God is there. He always has been, and He always will be. To those who trust in Him, He will never let you go.

welcome

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.  Matthew 5:6

You’re here for a reason. You probably didn’t just stumble across this blog post by accident. And even if you did, there is a reason why you’re reading it. Maybe you’re just bored, or trying to waste some time, or giving yourself an excuse to procrastinate. Maybe you’re here because you’re where I’m at – lost. But lost is a state of being that’s not permanent. I may be lost, I may feel like I am stumbling around in the dark, but I know my destination. Light. Light is my destination, it is the one thing I seek, it is the one thing my soul needs. I am desperately broken and hopeless and without the light I would be forever stumbling in the dark.

I have anxiety. Anxiety is like being lost in the dark. Anxiety is feeling trapped in a darkness so deep that there is no way out. Anxiety is like seeing that spark of light off in the distance and wanting it but not having the strength to chase after it. Anxiety is fighting every single day to simply live and breathe.

So, why this blog?

I want you to know that you are never alone, no matter what. God is always there; He is a constant when your anxiety causes roller coasters of emotions. Jesus is everything you need, and even when it gets hard, He is still there. He is always there.