Dear younger me,
Where do I start? If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far, then you could be one step ahead of all the painful memories still running thru my head. I wonder how much different things would be….
Dear younger me,
I cannot decide. Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life, or do I go deep and try to change the choices that you’ll make, ’cause they’re choices that made me. Even though I love this crazy life, sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride….
You are holy, you are righteous, you are one of the redeemed. Set apart, a brand new heart – you are free indeed! Every mountain, every valley, through each heartache you will see every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be.
(Mercy Me, “Dear Younger Me”)
Dear younger me,
If you could read this, it wouldn’t change anything. Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and tell you that you can’t do just one scrape and stop. I wish I could tell you not to blame yourself for the deaths that weren’t within your control. But then I realize that some of the choice you’ll make were the choices that strengthened me and developed my character and my faith in God. So, it will be a rough ride, but your choices will make you who you were made to be. Keep fighting, because God will start making your brokenness into something beautiful. I know you can’t see it now, but one day you will.
There is something you need to know. It gets worse first. It’s going to get way worse. You will create a living nightmare with images that haunt you every day. It will feel like it can’t get worse… but it does. At one you will break and come really close to ending your life, but that night God will work a miracle. After that night, you’ll realize that suicide is not an option.
After that, you will start really fighting everything and really trying to get better. Things will get much, much worse. You will hurt so much that you will wish you could escape from your own head. You will end up fighting several bad coping mechanisms all at once. You will live every day praying to make it to the next day without hurting yourself. You will burst into tears at random points in the day, because the pain is too much to keep inside. You will have to leave classes for 5-10 minutes to re-collect yourself. You will become terrified of being alone in lab because of the scalpels and razor blades in the room. But you will keep fighting, and things will slowly get better.
One more thing. You are not in control. There is Someone out there who is way bigger and way stronger. He got this. So, Grandma and your friends and everything else that you wanted to control — put it into God’s hands. I’m still working on that, and it’s easier said than done. But just know this: you are not in control, and it is totally ok. You don’t need to be in control, because God is. He has got everything figured out, so just rest in Him.
Right now, it still hurts almost every day. I still wish I could bring Grandma back. I still struggle with the temptation to hurt myself. I still struggle with the temptation to skip meals. But I know that God is here. The pain is real, but it is temporary. God is real. Hold onto Him. Stay strong.
Just a note from the older you.