One of the biggest challenges for me lately has been learning to rely more on God. I like to be in control of my life. However, I can’t both run my own life and fully rely on Him. It just doesn’t work that way.
I have been working on relinquishing parts of my life to God. I really started with mental health. My mental health got out of control to the point where I was very unstable and couldn’t handle it on my own. At first, I was stubborn, but I started spending great lengths of time just crying and talking to God and pouring out my heart to Him, because I realized that it was too much for me to handle on my own. I had to seek out help from God and others. (Since that time, I have stabilized through therapy and other things, and I am doing much better now.) That was really hard. I thought that it was hard going to my parents and telling them how much I was struggling, but being truly honest with God was even harder. I didn’t want to be honest with Him about why I started to cut and why I kept cutting. I didn’t want to acknowledge that cutting myself did not glorify Him and was, therefore, a sin. As hard as it was to open myself up to God and surrender these things to Him, I found freedom through honesty with God.
Lately, He has been revealing other areas of my life where I like control too much… especially my grades. I have this tendency to define myself by my grades, so if my grades aren’t amazing, then I must also by definition be a totally trash human being. It is my current struggle to relinquish my grades to God. It’s hard, because my grades have always been such a huge part of who I am. My life doesn’t have to look like this. My mood doesn’t have to always depend on whether or not I am good at a given subject.
When we relinquish our fears and the things we try to control to God, it is not easy, but it is also so rewarding. Only when we fully commit ourselves to God are we able to begin understanding our identity of who we are in Christ.
Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore…..