i’ve lost control but i’m free

I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind
Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to
Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that’s where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

In Over My Head – Bethel

It is a beautiful thing to be in over your head in God. I am sinking, I guess. I am daily surprised by His love and His greatness. Our God is so big. He can do anything. He can do the impossible. In reflection on this year, a lot has happened. I started hurting myself. I had hallucinations; my hallucination died. I started having nightmares and terrifying daydreams so realistic I’d wonder afterwards if they were real. I’ve had to question whether or not to switch churches. God showed up in my darkest places through the Bible, friends, my Bible study group, music, and just in the most random times and ways.

I wanted to control my life. And for a while I thought I could. But I can’t. And I was a fool for thinking I could. I needed to let go. And that’s hard. With anxiety, that is hard. It is so easy to think that control is the best and only good approach. But it isn’t. Trusting God is. And so I am so slowly losing my control. And that’s ok. That’s good. It is good because even though I am not in control, I know that the one who is in control is always good and never makes mistakes. And yes, there are still days when I want to take over. But I’ve been learning to let it all go. I’ve been learning to let His will be done. Because it is only through doing His will that I find true joy and peace and the hope I need to fight for tomorrow.

Wherever you are, even if reflecting on this year is painful for you, know that God is there. He always has been, and He always will be. To those who trust in Him, He will never let you go.

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