It’s nearing the end of the semester, so there tends to be a lot of reflection on the semester and sharing of testimonies. I have been to two testimony nights this week, and instead of encouraging, I found them confusing and overwhelming. I felt God pulling on my heart to say something, and I spent most of the time trying to figure out what I was supposed to say, meaning I missed 99% of the testimonies other people shared. When I finally figured out what I was supposed to say, they had just given the last call. It was too late. I initially felt so lost and confused that I didn’t think I had anything to say that would bless anyone else. I felt like my confusion was making me unable to experience God in a way that others could relate to… I felt alone, and I felt like my opinions and my experiences were worthless and pointless.
I said nothing. I stayed in my seat, in my comfort zone, trying to formulate each word to be exactly perfect so that my words could mean something to someone else. I wondered if maybe, had I gone up earlier, God would’ve given me the words that other people needed to hear, and maybe it would’ve been worth it. But I didn’t. I didn’t do what God asked me to do. My mind keeps racing that I’m a mess and I need to fix myself, because I love hanging out in my comfort zone, even though God is calling me to deeper waters far outside my comfort zone.
I thought that I was safe in my comfort zone. I thought that if I stayed there, I’d be ok. But I wasn’t. In my comfort zone, I felt all the fears trapping me there. Somehow, all my fears found me there, and taunted me from the outside, reminding me of everything I was too afraid to do. I was angry at myself for hiding, and I was afraid that I would never leave my comfort zone.
I felt trapped. I felt like I was caged inside this thing that knew all my fears and insecurities. Maybe that thing won’t ever go away. But it won’t trap me forever. I can’t live in my comfort zone. Sometimes it feels good, but mostly it feels like a prison, keeping me from the life I want to have, from the freedom Jesus promises. It’s terrifying, but when we leave the safety of our comfort zone, Jesus gives us freedom in a new and different way. We aren’t free from our fears, as we have to face them all the time. But, somehow, facing our fears is freedom. And I don’t really understand that right now, but maybe someday I will. First, I have to leave my comfort zone and follow His call to deeper waters.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
Oceans – Hillsong